Did i mention that i hate myself?

Here's how it goes. I make it through an entire day at school fighting my bulimia, then i come home to an empty house, start baking brownies while stuffing my face, run to the store and buy junk food, get home and eat and eat and eat, all the while feeling sorry for myself becuase 'why do i have this disease' and 'will it ever stop?!?!' I am getting irresponsible. God, where are you now??????? I wrote in my prayer jounral duing Civics. I codunt' feel God then. I just want to FEEL something anything...so i choose food becuase it's close. Becuaes i can feel it; i can't feel God. Oh how i hate living like this. I know i hate it... But i do it anyway. I feel like sucha loser. No one knows me here... I wonder why i thought i could make it here? Why i thought i could make it out of treatment? I'm obviously falling on my butt. And i'm choosing to. Am i too hard on myself? Some would probably say so. BUt i dont think so. Then again, i'm probably still in my eaitng disorder.

What should i do this weekend? I have a funeral in the morning to sing at...i'm actually going to do that. THen i'm going to my friend's birthday party. Then i'll probably come home and binge and purge? Not really.

I was popular at school.