I purged today. Binged twice, purged once. Then i slept for awhile. I feel so much guilt... I just want to run away, but i know it woudln't solve anything.

I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that God is angry with me. This is what i read today.....

This is a passage from the book, "Come Away My Beloved", written by Frances Roberts. I dont think good ole' Franny will mind me writing this and sharing my thoughts about it. I want to know what you all think about this too...whether you agree or disagree, what kinds of feelings come up for you as you read.

"Shall I Commend You?

Behold, is it a small thing that you should weary the Lord God Almighty with your complaints?

Is it a light thing in My eyes that you walk in weakness when I have made full provision that you might appropriate My strength?

Have you not insulted Me in that I have condescended to dwell within you, and you have set Me aside, and quenched and grieved My Holy Spirit and walked in your own ways?

Shall I commend you?

Shall you escape My rebuke and displeasure?

You look in vain for My smile.

For you think in your heart

that you can bring Me some gift.

"I will do Him a kindness," you have said, and you thought I would accept this as devotion.

Do not deceive yourself. God is not to be toyed with. "See," you have crooned, "I have brought you this basket of fruit."

Cursed be the ground that brought it forth! Have i not required blood? But you have loathed sacrifice!

And I have said I will have none of your pretty gifts, for God desires integrity, and to obey is better than all your vain attempts to appease.

Behold, I am angry with you, and not without cause. You have profaned My sanctuary with vain endeavors in the flesh.

You do not come to Me in spirit and in truth; but you have set limits of your own making to check and hinder Me. You say you fear to offend; but i say to you, for the very hardness and willfulness of your own hearts, you will not yeild Me control.

You keep it in your own hands lest your iniquities are uncovered and your shame appears to all.

Lo, I will have none of it.

I will come to you when you have humbled yourself.

I will purge your sins when you put away your sham and hypocrisy.

I will gather you to My heart when you shall cease loving your own self.

The days are short.

Do you want me to conme to you with a rod or in love?"

This was amazing to me. It knocked me on my feet...to the ground... with tears in my heart. I am so dirty... I have been living for myself and not for my God. He stands by in anger becuase i keep on walking in weakness, when i could be walking in His strength. He loves me with a tough love... I need to 'cease loving myself'. I am too vain. All of my motives are evil. I keep talking and talking about how i 'want to be free from this diease', but i dont take the action to become free. God tires of hearing me whine.

I beleive He loves me with a tough love. A TOUGH love... He loves me so much that it HAS to be a tough love.

I wonder what i have done. I have made a complete mess of the life God has given me. I'm not ready to take his hand yet....