I have been having a really hard time lately... Just living. It's so hard to deal with food. I mean, it's all around me. Yesterday was really hard.... I'm trying to work a completely honest program, but it's so hard. It really doens't matter how hard it is though, because i still have to do it. The urges to eat are so horrible. They are SO HARD...they're there constantly. I have been real though. I have to admit, i have been using candy to calm myself. The oral fixation thing. They're sugar free and virtually calorieless, but they still count as something. I ate about 30 of them yesterday. And at 10 calories a piece...thats more than enough. Thats WAY over my meal plan. I try to overlook that...but i can't anymore. I need to stop. Today i only brought three with me to school. I can chew gum if i need to. And i will.

I need to write if i want to eat.

The obsessive thoughts are coming back. Will i ever be truely free of this? I think i will...or, at least, it wont be as much of a struggle as it is right now. It's so hard for me to look into the future and see a life for me without bulimia. And i've been bulimia free for 30 days today. I hate milemarkers. They mean i'm close to becoming a success.