I guess i probably should update...it's been awhile since i have. I just figured out how to lower this chair that i'm sitting in...so now i can type and be comfortable! What a concept!

I've been really scared lately. I grew up afraid of people... And, well, i'm ashamed to admit that i still am. It's even more shaming for me to admit this becuase I am one of the most outgoing people i know...when i choose to be. When i'm the Beth that i truely am, i'm fun to be around, hilariously funny, and extremely likable. But when i'm the old Beth... I'm withdrawn, paranoid, and just terrified of everything thatl ives and breathes. I have been the old Beth for the past few days. I hate the old Beth...i hate her so much. I dont know if the reason i hate her is becuase she's part of me or becuase she's not me at all...just someone impostering as me. I love the new me...the person i bele ive i truely am... BUt when i turn back into the old me, well...i scare myself. I get so scared that i start shaking... And i dont even know what i'm scared of. I wish i knew. But would that even help? All i want to do when i get scared like that is just sit in a corner and let myself shake utnil the feeilng goes away. Can anyone relate to this? To feeling so scared...of absoutely everything..... I'm so ashamed that i feel this way; i dont know waht to do. I need support. I called my sister...and cried to her, becusae if anyone would understand, she would. We grew up in the same house; dominated by the fear of.... thats exactly it, i dont know what it's of; she doesn't know what its of. We can't pinpoint it so we can wash it out. Anyway, i called her, and she to ld me that i really needed to be around people. Taht i needed to get out and be with my friends. WELL...thats not possible because i'm in treatment and the people i live with i would hardly consider friends. I just want to get out and live.

I started reading my Bible...becuase thast all i know to do, is to drop my cares and worries and many fears at the foot of Christ. I read verses about fearlessness... "When the raging waters cover my head, i will not fear, for you are with me." Or something like that...i dont remember it exactly. I have fear...but there's no reason to fear. No wonder i binge and purge...no wonder i do that. To escape the fear i feel...the overwhelming fear that paralyzes me. Emotionally and physically, literally. I just shut down. It scares me. But of course, everything scares me. Just talking about all this fear brings back the fear that i feel. I used to face my fears...but now i feel like i have to start all over. That i haven't come one iota farther than i was when i first came in here. I feel like i'm back to the old me, the failure, the worthless person that i was.

No, thats not true. I'm not back to that person, becuase i know that what i said isnt' true. I know that i'm NOT worthless. I may FEEL worthless, but my feelings lie all the time. Emotions lie. Thast one thing they dont teach here...they teach that your feelings never lie. I beleive feelings always lie.Well...maybe not always. But alot of the times.