Well...today, i really dont want to be here. I had a really horrible weekend, except for Sunday... I got to go out with my friends then and we drove around and walked aroudn the mall... I stuck some toilet paper out of the back of my pants, just to see people's reactions. HA! It was hilairous! You woudln't beleive how rude some people are. I walked around the mall for an hour like that... and no one said anything. I'm sure i made some people laugh though.

I dont know why i dotn want ot be at school today... I just dont want to be awake. I would rather be sleeping.

My weekend was hard. My treatment center wouldn't let me out to go see my friends that were down here from Canada... I will never get to see them again. I feel SO MUCH anger about that. There wasn't even a reason WHY i couldnt' go... They just wanted to see what i would do if i was told 'no', i guess. Well, i definately didn't binge and purge over it, and for that i'm grateful, becuase i sure wanted to. It just pisses me off that they have the power to take something so big away from me... Something that meant so much... Something that i had been looking forward to since i found out about it. THEN, i found out that somehow this telaviv.com company took 40 dollars out of my account...for some reason.... and then i overdrew my account so the bank took more money from me.... so now i'm left with NO money and its the end of the month. AND, at the same time, i found out that those drinks i always get at Starbucks are loaded with fat and calories (i'm naive...i know; they dont have Starbucks where i'm from)- and i've been trying SO HARD to stay on my meal plan and not overeat, and i realized that i've been overeating the whole time so i felt like a failure. Those three things, coupled with PMS, got me started. I cried all weekend, my emotions were all over the place, and i was just crazy. Definately not fun. I tried to talk to my housemates about it...and i just got shot down. I hate having to bottle everything inside. I jsut feel like nobody cares. Thats what they teach here.... not to care abotu people. I beleive they emphasize it too much... the non-codependent thing. So much that people just dont care at all about other people. I mean, if someone is crying, they teach them to not ask if they're ok. I dont know...i mean, i love this shades of hope place... It has given me life, but no treatment center can be perfect, you know? Anyway. I felt really alone this weekend...and every single feeling on the board.

My birthday is on Wednesday. Two days away. I hate my birthday.... becuase it was the day i was born. Now that i'm learning to love myself, however, i think i should also learn how to celebrate my birthday. I can't remember actually beign happy on my birthday...except, of course, when i was a little kid. I'm always happy on the outside, but never on the inside. On the inside i'm hating myself and hating the day that is supposed to be 'celebrating' me. It's scary too.... I'm going to be 18. 18 is, like, real. I'm now a real person. I now can vote, smoke...all that good stuff. Good gosh.

I dont want presents for my birthday. I just want to disappear for a day and then come back and start my life over on the 10th. I hate getting presents...i hate all the attention that having a birthday gets me. Usually i try to hide it from my friends...then, towards the end of the day, they find otu somehow that its my birthday, and they convince me to go out to eat and stuff. I dont know... It's really weird.