ahhhh!!!!

I put on these pants, right...a few days ago...and since then i've eaten (and kept down) a whole can of cream cheese frosting, a bag of frosted animal crackers, two bowls of ice cream and two cookies; plus my regular food that i eat on my food plan. All the healthy stuff. But GOSH, these pants feel so tight on me... I looked really really HOT three days ago, but now? I want to crawl in a hole and die. I'm going to keep sticking to my food plan... But i'm so scared of success. I'm scared of actually succeeding at fighting this eating disorder... I'm scared of a life without it. I dont know anythign anymore. Am i willing to recover? I know that it's what i should do... But right now, at this very moment, i honestly can't envision a future for myself. It's just...not there! Just a bunch of black.

Isn't that odd.

Well, wait-thats not entirely true.

i can envision myself in the far future...as a missionary in some far-away country... But as far as the NEAR future? There's nothing.

My parents want to come see me. I'm scared. I dont want to spend time with them...becuase i just keep feeling sorry for myself when i'm around them, or even when i talk to them; becuase 'I dont have parents', becuase they can't be the parents to me that they so desperately want to be. I need to quit playing the victim and be grateful for what i do have...two parents who love me and who try their hardest. I can't make up for lost time...all the time i lived in my childhood without parents and without.... JOY- I need to reparent myself, and let God help me in that. I've been so far from Him lately. I dont even know if it's really the truth anymore---i dont even know WHAt is the truth anymore. I mean, my head knows that the Bible and everyhting is true...but my heart is doubting. Thats ok though...it's ok to doubt. I'm sure even freaking Mother Teresa doubted. God, open my eyes...that i can see you more clearly.

My friends are coming down to Abilene next weekend...for the World Mission Workshop. I'm horribly excited!!! But scared at the same time. I've changed so much since then... I've lost weight, gained confidence, and changed practically everything about me. The way i dress has been upgraded to a more trendy/vintage look....my hair is longer....and i wear makeup alot, not just occasionally. The thing i fear the most about my friends coming here is that... I'm scaerd i'll find out that we weren't that good of friends to start with. I'm scared that i'll find out that they didn't even consider me a friend... That we were just acquaintences. Then again, that goes with my fear of rejection...of being abandoned and of being left alone.

I haven't called Jordan since...Sunday. I dont want to talk to her. But that means i'm not working my 'program', becuase part of working a program is to call your sponsor every day. I just dont want to....i dont know, talk to her, i guess. I think i will call her tonight.

I feel like i'm too fat to walk.

But i'm NOT.

Thats a LIE...a LIE from Satan.

Oh how i hate him!

I hate his lies...i hate everything my life has become because of him, and becuase i decided to choose his way of life instead of God's way of life, which was right in front of me, staring me in the face the whole time.

I resent myself for that.

I need to realize that i can't change the past, that i can only live for TODAY and learn from the past. I shall no longer regret the past.

I am beautiful.

I am a beautiful child of God.

I am worthy of life.

I say 120 affirmations four times a day to myself in a mirror.

I feel good after i say them...but then the shame starts creeping in. I wonder....when did that all start? When did i start feeling SHAME becuase i feel good about myself? I beleive it comes from my mother. When she received compliments, she would minimise them....downplaying them, and just brushing them off. Pride is a sin, to her. In my black and white vision, there are only two options. 1) Pride or 2) Self Hate. Where is the balance,....there has to be something in between. God, help me find it.