Wow-i think it might be another bad day. I'm unsure though. We had a see you at the pole thing this morning... I went to it, and made a few new friends... I hate this friend thing. I feel so left out...and i know thats just my fear speaking.... But it's so hard to NOT EAT over all this. I dont know anything.... All i want to do is insult myself over and over and over.... There's no one to listen and no one to talk to... I feel so alone. I would cry, but i feel too numb to cry. I try to be real... to be a real person with my feelings and such, but it's so hard. I feel sad. Ok. So i act sad? Then no one will want to be around me. I have such extremes. First i'm happy.... then i'm not. Then i want drugs, and then i make myself happy by covering up all my other feelings. I really want to eat right now, but i'm not going to. I will refrain from eating to cover up my feelings. I trust that this will get easier... these feelings of inadequacy and shame of who i am will go away.

Who am i anyway?

I wish i could figure that part out. All this eating disorder is is a mistaken search for identity. Now that i dont have my disease as my identity, i feel like i'm nothing.

I dont want to go to homecoming. I'm terrified of not having fun....i'm scared of being boring. I dont think Jarred likes me anymore....ha-maybe he never did. I hate the games we're playing. So much for that little try at a relationship. I'm left with nothing but myself. Again. Big surprise.

Today i have a very negative attitude. I'm not happy, and thats ok. I do not have to eat or get high over it, although i may want to. And i dont have to cut over it.

I have so many thoughts......... And no one to talk to. It's so lonely. I dont trust anyone, i dont feel like anyone knows the real me. How can they know the 'real' me if i dont even know the 'real me'? I've been at this emotional spot for the past three years. When will i move on?

So many questions, no answers.

I'm scared and alone.