Well, this is finally it.

I'm leaving on Saturday. Joy.

I'm going to a treatment center in Texas. Where its hot and i can't wear shorts becuase of the stinkin' scar on my calf. Where people have accents, where i'll 'get better'. I wonder if i'll acutally 'work my program' this time. I wonder if i'll get better, or if i'll just piss away my time there as well as my parent's money. I want to get better, but i'm so terrified. I'm almost certian it wont work. I'm almost certain i'll walk out of that building just as eating disordered as i've ever been. I'm scared of failure...scared of falling....

I can never sleep anymore. Stupid ephedrine. Shes' now my best friend. Bulimia betrayed me a long time ago...hopefully Ephedrine will be nicer.

What am i doing? What am i thinking? Why am i doing this? Why do i hate myself? Whats going through my head?

I've been so bored lately. Bored with life, bored with living. I can't keep myself entertained. I'll talk to someone on AIM for five minutes, run out of things to say, and then watch TV for twenty. I get bored, so i sit on the floor in the bathroom and make duck noises. I get bored, so i run downstairs and play with the girly legos strewn haphazardly across my floor for a few minutes. I assemble a freak dresser of some sort, get bored, and try on my clothes. They fit better, but it's not good enough. its' never good enough. I leave my clothes on my odorous floor and run around, getting bored some more. Argh.

So i'm going to this place. I'm scared, maybe i dont exist. If i cease to think, do i really exist? Who is 'I', anyway??? I am convinced that i'm not merely a body. 'I' am somethign so much more...a soul, a spirit, something invisible but somehow confined to this temple of chemicals.

Clouds. I looked at them the other day. I stared at them for thirty minutes and wondered how they got to be so perfect. Every single could is perfect in its own little way. Some are big, some are small, some are more transparent than others, some are black, some are blue, some are purple, and green too. (Yes, Dr. Suess is my relation...) My point is, all of them are different, yet perfect. I want to be a cloud. Then i would be perfect with cellulite.

Maybe i already am perfect.

Maybe i dont want to be a cloud. They dont really exist, do they? No, i change my mind. I wnat to be a cloud, becuase i want to disappear.

I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the 17,000 dollars my parents are paying on recovery, i'm not worth the time and effort from the therapists there, i'm not worth anything. I'm eventually going to screw up my treatment without even trying, so why not TRY to screw it up and get it over with sooner?

I'm too fat to be bulimic.

Damn it.

I'm huge. I'm going to be the biggest one there.

I'm not worth it, i'm not worth it, i am nothing, why am i going..... Why do i even try...