I'm fat, i hate it.

I like ice. I love sucking on it.

Last night i was lonely. So i cried. I cried my heart out. At first, the tears wouldn't cry, so i just moaned like a retarded cow giving birth. I moaned louder, urging the pain in my soul to give way to tears of sorrow. Finally, they flowed. My emptiness flowed down my face and into my hair...drowning my tresses and wetting my pillow with lamantations of distress. I'm so empty. I realized how empty my soul was... How desperately i desire to be filled with something... I want to be completely satisfied... I dont even know with what. I dont know waht i'm searching for...i dont know the freaking desire of my heart. I wonder, if i did know what i truely desired, would i do anything about it? Would i have the iniative to change my life or to make an effort to 'fill myself'?

I cried becuase i was lonely. My soul is so lonely. I miss people, i miss people knowing my soul and knowing who i really am inside. I miss my close friends...everyone seems to have abandoned me and just forgotten about me. My friends from Western (my boarding school) dont even write me anymore... they think that becuase i left school i'll be with my old friends... It's too bad i dont HAVE any 'old friends'...the ones i did have i didn't keep in touch with when i left. I have no relatinonships, no one that really honestly knows me anymore. I'm so lonely. I long for the human touch, i long for a kitten to sleep with.

I cried becuase i killed my kitten.

I cried becuase i'm a failure,

Becuase i can't stop taking my wonderful diet pills,

Becuase i'm scared of treatment, scared of failing again, scared of falling flat on my fat face in front of everyone, scared of being abandoned, scared of my friends losing even more hope in me...

I'm scared of disliking who i am inside, if i ever figure out who that person is.

I'm scared to get to know myself. I'm scared that if i begin to rifle through all the pain i have inside that i will get stuck and never be able to escape.

I'm scared i will have kids and raise them wrong.

I'm scared i will get lock jaw.

I'm scared someone will notice that i dont shave my arm pits.

I'm scared i'll cut myself up.

I'm scared i'll murder myself.

I'm scared i'll never find a husband who will love me.

I'm scared i'll have a baby with a mental disorder.

I'm scared of getting my tastebuds burned off. But maybe that would be best.

"At that time Michael, the great prince who protects your people, will airse. There will be a time of distress such as has not happened from teh beginning of nations until then. But at that time your people-everyone whose name is found written in the book-will be delivered. Multitudes who sleep in the dust of the earth wil awake: some to everylasting life, otehrs to shame and everylasting contempt. Those who are wise will shine like the rightness of the heavens, and those who lead many to righteousness, like the starts for ever and ever." (Daniel 12:1-3)

"As for you, go your way till the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days you will rise to receive your allotted inheritance." (Daniel 12:13)