Sometimes i want to become a butterfly.

Not really. I swear i'm a man, i hate butterflies, i hate pretty things, i would rather wear olive green and black ugly clothes. The real reason i hate being pretty and being feminine is because i dont deserve it. I deserve to be fat and ugly. I can't show off my curves becuase they're actually rolls.

No, i'm lying again.

No rolls. Just random bulges of skin.

ha! I just keep getting more and more funny as we go on, dont i? Why does everything have to be 'we'? I'm like, ten people i think. I dont know who i am. I'm joking again...about the ten people thing...i'm not skitzophrenic (i can't spell) and i think i might be leaving soon. I hope so. Melanie is going to get better, so i will too.

Oh my kitten. I almost forgot.

I killed it.

I loved it so much.

But i killed it.

I'm being serious this time too.

I dont know what happened.... she changed in the afternoon...She just became, i dont know, retarded? She morphed into a freaking vegetable right before my eyes. Not really. But she moved her head really weird...and she coaked instead of meowing. I dont know what happened... I walked into the living room and looked into her crap-littered box... And there she lay.

Cold

and

dead.

The tears welled up in my eyes.

My mother gasped.

My father watched Star Trek.

I screamed at my kitten to wake up.

I was finally going to succeed at something.

But i failed.

Again.

I killed an innocent kitten.

My parents both tried to comfort me with worthless words of 'It just died...it wans't your fault...It was sick...' and on and on. I know thats not true. I'm sure there was SOMETHING i did wrong... I wanted to save this kitten so badly....... I was finally going to prove msyelf by watching it grow up, by 'saving it' and by being its mother.

But i killed it.

New subject.

I smell my pits in bed, and i think to myself "I don't mind this body odor." Seriously, it's not all that repulsive to me. I sort of enjoy it...the tinyest little bit. Is that disgusting or what? If anyone is acutally reading my diary right now, i'm sure they're going to stop. Ha! I hope i marry a boy with wonderful natural body odor. That would simply be lovely!

Heaven, heaven.

Blahblahblah.

No diet pill for lunch and i did alright. Too much fish, but i'll get over it.

Someday, i will look in the mirror and love what i see. I will love my nose and the lone zit on my forehead. I will love my fat butt and my thighs.

Someday, I will love my soul.

Someday, i will be free.