I'm fat.

I can't stand this.

I can't stand living without my dear diet pills. They give me 'life'. Of course, it's not REAL life. It's a fake, drug-induced life. Why are these things legal anyway? If they were illegal i still would take them. I love them, i love them. "Don't OD, Beth" someone said. Oh i'll do anything to lose the weight. To make my inner pain and self-hatred disappear.

Of course, this is my eating disorder talking.

Or is it? How can i be both Beth and my eating disorder at the same time? Which voice should i listen to? The voice that tells me i'm worthless....the voice that constantly bombards my brain with insults that embed themselves into my soul?? Or the voice that tells me to hang on to the glimmer of hope that i do have...the voice that tells me i have the strength to save all the little dying children of Columbia after i save myself? Which voice should i listen to? Which voice should i build my life upon...should i depend on and trust in?

I watched a bit of a movie with my parents. A thirteen year old girl was dealing with all the insecurities and issues of becoming a woman. Perhaps my parnets enjoyed the movie, but personally, i thought it was the lamest thing iv'e ever seen. This girl was scared of breasts, scared to talk to boys, scared to wear anything but jeans and overgrown men's shirts.... The whole movie revolved around her petty insecurities. Wow! I doubt that movie made any money. It should be more of an education tool than used to entertainment. Pff!

I'm going to do a bit of yoga tonight. I want to have the runs, but my body doesn't feel like it.

I want to eat.

I want to eat everything in sight.

I want to EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT!!!!!

WHY do i feel like this??? WHY am i so obsessed with food??? WHY does it numb me, WHY do i feel the need for it to numb me right now??? I wish i knew what i was feeling deep inside...