I b/ped last night.

For the first time in a whole week i think. I guess this means i'm improving? I doubt it.

I blame it on the fact that i neglected taking my diet pill before supper. I'm always looking for something or someone to blame my decisions on---the lack of a diet pill is most readily available. Plus, it can't actually retaliate either and prove it's innocense. Anyway, supper was horrible. I wanted to eat everything in sight. I shoveled food into my mouth while my parents ate their meals slowly. I hate binging in front of htem, but i just coudlnt' help it. I was ok for about two hours. Then i ate a 345 calorie snack...fruit, fruit, and more fruit. I coudlnt' take it. I had to eat more...i coudln't stand the thought of having an extra 345 calories being digested, especially after doing so well earlier in the day. I ate leftover pizza and a pack of crackers, then purged. Sigh.

I felt the depression last night. The overwhelming blackness that i'm hopelessly unable to crawl out of. It's so suffocating. When i'm in that pit of despair, i dont even have enough energy or initative to escape. I look for a way out... and even if i happened to find out, i doubt if i would take it or not.

Of course, i'm not in that state very often anymore. I used to live in that state...now, however, it comes and goes. I'm so happy for that...but i live in constant fear of the next moment i will be plagued by depression. It sneaks up on me...without warning. I turn around to slice it in the gut (with a steel knife), but in a split second it envelops me. I think i should scream to be let go, but i dont even do that. I simply sit and let myself feel the pain and utter worthlessness that i deserve.