I have so much to say, and i have no idea where to start.
Let's start with the boy. Boys aren't a big thing in my life right now. Normally, they might be. But right now, i'm too screwed up to handle either a boyfriend or a prospective. This boy's name is Francis. Ok, now that you're done laughing at his name, i'm going to proceed. :) He was my best friend during my grade 10 year. We still would be best friends....except he doesn't beleive in the whole email thing. Becuase of issues he's gone through in his life, he beleives goodbyes are forever, which puts a damper on our relationship.
I've already dealt with that; i've decided to respect his decision and we haven't been close ever since. We talk once every other month (or every six months) on MSN, but thats it. He is the best person in the world...He is such an incredible boy. He's AWESOME. He loves me so much... He's just everything i could ever want. Well, in a way. You see, i want to marry this boy, but i can't even imainge sleeping with him. It would just be disgusting. He's not fat or anything, he's actually got a pretty nice body... But he's like my brother! I want to spend my whole life with him, i want to marry him, but i dont want to sleep with him. Interesting, isn't it?! The reason i brought him up was becuase i talked to him for 45 mintues on MSN last night. Out of the blue, he asked me what i thought about him dating this girl. He's looking for a possible mate. (He's 20.) I almost cried. Of course, while supressing tears and failing to mention my sinking and slowly disentigrating heart, i gave him advice like any good 'last-years-best-friend' should. This is what getting my heart broken feels like i guess. I'ts been quite a long time since my heart's been broken...maybe a year. Oh my, i hate boys. No, maybe i dont. I think i just hate how i give pieces of my heart away to so many boys. The problem is, all of them are just so darn DESERVING of it! It's not like i 'fall in love', if you will, with the bad boys who will beat me someday. I fall in love with GOOD boys. The kind who would love and cherish me and try their hardest to buy me the moon someday. Well, i guess if i'm meant to be with Francis (his name still makes me laugh. It's almost as bad as 'Eugene'!) it will happen. I'm just too darn emotional!
Moving on....
I had a relitavely good day yesterday, if the part where i ate a full meal (hashbrowns, a 'mammoth muffin', and a three egg ham and cheese omlette) and also the part where i had an ice cream cone for a 'snack' during the afternoon are both ommitted. Yuk, i can't even beleive i ate all that and actually kept it down. How disgusting. Anyway. I went to church, i had a blast with Megs afterwards at the mall... Oh, and i told this boy that i still find him attractive. He's inconspiciously beautiful. I had a huge crush on him when i was younger. We talked about how we hated our parents, how we've screwed up our lives recently, then i laid the big 'C' ('C' meaning 'compliment') on him. His reply? "I find myself attractive too. Why do you think i spend so much time in front of a mirror?" I dont know if he was implying that i should take back my compliment, but i didn't. Becuase i still do find him attractive, and taking back the compliment would be lying. Although his nose is too small, but no matter. Instead of retracting my compliment given in lustful haste, i left. I'll never see the boy again. I woudln't be surprised if he already has children. I wish we could make babies together. We both have outrageously curly hair, imagine the hair of our children! It would be pure insanity!
Megs and i. Oh i love that girl. I'm sure she's reading what i'm writing right now...so i wont devulge into details she woudln't want me to disclose. I just love her so much. She is such a blast, she laughs at everything i say! Farting is both a common joke between us. I love it!!! some people find farting at 17 immature. I say SCREW THEM, it's FUN, and i'll be a child for however long i want to!!! Woo! And i will FART and laugh into my fifties!!! HAHA!
I was snooping through my mothers room in search of binge food. I read through her prayer journal. The whole entire thing was FILLED with prayers---for ME. For ME! For me to feel accepted and loved by peers and by family...for me to have peace...For God to reveal to her the things that i was doing wrong and the things that she was doing wrong... I read through some of it, cried, and ran away. I couldnt' deal with it. Knowing that my mother was conversing with a higher being about how much she loved me. Knowing that the same power which created the whole universe, as well as my body, the inticrite plants, the concept of TIME... Is directly invovled in my life. It's overwhelming, humbling, and i dont know what else i can do except acknowledge his power and hand my life over to him.
Pee time!
Freaking fallopian tubes!
Still no period!
Why do i want my period? The sooner i have it, the sooner it's over. It never comes when i want it to. Maybe i could try bribing it with gifts or something. Althoguh i have a feeling it wont work.
My body is such an interesting thing. I realized Saturday night just how interesting. I was trying to get to sleep (it usually takes me a few hours...im' not sure why) and all of the sudden, i saw a huge bear at my bedroom window! I screamed, forgot i was buck naked, and ran upstairs to alert my parents!!! No, not really. I was trying to get to sleep, and i rested my arm between my breasts (it's comfortable!) and felt my heartbeat. I realized how much control i had over my heartbeat. Over the life that was inside of me. My life truely isnt' mine. My heart beats whether or not i want it to. I can't just say 'hey, heart, quit beating you stupid fece face'. My heart beats whether or not i want it to. Of course, i do have a limited amount of control over whether my heart works or not. I could always shoot myself in the heart, in the head, anywhere where death would be eventual. But, short of that, i do not have control over whether my body lives or dies. Just something to ponder i guess.
