Last night i laid besdie my mother in her bed. I was almost in tears becuase i felt so lonely...so horribly alone. Lonliness is like, the worst feeling in the world. I guess, one of them. It's just a black cloud...it clouds your sight so that you are unable to see the positive side of things. I ached for my mother's touch. I just wanted her to reach out her healing hand and lay it on my back...i wanted to cry in her arms and enjoy the feeling of her soft body embracing my cold one. I wanted to FEEL love. All my life my parents have rattled away a stoic 'I love you' before i 'hit the sack' at night... But i dont remember actually FEELING that love they repeatedly acknowledge. Well, no, i take that back. I felt loved until.... I was 10 maybe? I think that was the time...i dont remember any specific event where i remember feeling like i had 'lost' their love... It just sort of gradually died away i guess.

But then again, i really have nothing to complain about. I know they love me...they just have a hard time showing it. My motehr is too afraid that i will yell at her if she tries to show me any love. To be quite frank, i'm not sure what i would do. Maybe i would indeed yell at her. But the point i'm trying to make is that, last night, for the first time in such a long time..i actually WANTED my mother's love. I'm always telling myself that i hate both of my parents profuselym, but acutally, i just long to be loved. To be cared for and held and cuddled with... I've come to the conclusion that i'm really a child inside. A child crying in the dark corner, trying to repress her lonliness and tears that happen to be overflowing her eye lids as she sits in utter lonliness..... Thats me. I am merely a child. Perhaps being this child has forced me to mature before i was ready. I'm a child inside, but horribly independent on the outside. I think i'm at the point in my emotional development that most people reach when they are 13-14. I'm 17 and a slow bloomer. I still love to fart! I hope i'll always love to fart. The day i become repulsed by farting is the day i officially turn into...umm...i dont know.

My friend, Justin, has MS and he was enlisted into the hospital. I'm scared he will die. What would i do if i lost him? He is such a beautiful person. He has a joy about him that makes me laugh every time i see him. HE has been through so much pain and abuse already in his life.... I just dont want him to die.