I woudln't say i'm quite the html buff...but i'm trying to figure out the whole thing on my own i guess. I only wish i had more time! Perhaps then i could make my own templates instead of stealing them from other people. In due time, my friend, i due time.

Last night was fun! I do the wierdest things at night.... both in bed and out. Sometimes i'll sleep without my pants on, only if i'm having a bad day. Sometimes without a shirt on...that is, if i'm having a REALLY bad day. Anyway, back to last night. I did some strenuous yoga for about an hour, then i played with legos! Woo! They brought back so many great memories from my childnhood.... Also some not so great memories. I had these really cool legos, they were made especially for girls! Purple, pink, blue and white pastel colors...they reeked of feminity! They were beautiful. Then of course, mixed in with the girly legos, were some of the traditional [boring] legos for boys. They aren't even pleasent to look at, i dont understand why anyone would want to play with them. I separated the legos (i keep typing 'legs' instead of 'legos'!) into different types and different colors (i dont know what possesses me to do things like this....i think i'm a freaking' psycho, i mean, really, who in their right mind stays up half hte night to organize childhood toys?), which i enjoyed. I dont know why either. Maybe im' obsessive compulsive. Ha! After i tired of the legos, i crawled into my cold cold [but comfortable!] bed and snuggled up to another few chapters of my current book, 'The Scarlet Letter'. I was rifling thorugh my dad's old paperbacks a few nights ago...searching for some ancient piece of literature that would make me think. I'd never read this famous book, so i decided to give it a shot! At first, the language was difficult to understand, but eventually i fell into the book, feeling the emotions of the adultress who was put on trial. Good book, very good book. I love the way old books smell! It's fantastic!

Anyway, enough of the crap stuff.

Lets dig deep. Whats going on inside Beth today?

Today i b/ped in front of my mother. She sat at the kitchen table, distraught, knowing that she coudlnt do anything to stop me. She simply watched helplessly, avoiding eye contact with the animal-like being in her midst who was devouring everything in sight. I ate and ate. I ate to hurt her, the person who birthed me and has cared for me every single second of every single day ever since. I am so lucky to have parents that love me and who are willing to pay thousands of dollars for a virtual blind stab at my recovery. But do i want their love? NO. I dont want it. I dont deserve it. So i keep hurting them intentionally...i ENJOY it when they cry, i ENJOY my mother's concerned look on her face when she tells me she doens't know how much longer i can live in this house.

I dont know how much longer i can live, period.

Actually, that was a lie. I will keep living, i will keep hoping for releif from this disease. I will keep in mind the probability of one day loving myself and, therefore, being able to fully love every being around me. I beleive that only when i am able to accept love from my God that i can be free to love myself and unabashadly love everyone around me. The 3 steps to happiness, perhaps. The three steps to becoming REAL.

My cheeks are getting swollen again.

I hate my thighs and my bubbly butt. I haven't brushed my teeth yet today, and i despise changing my underwear becuase it's a waste of time. Er,.... ;)

I have quite a boring life. Although i enjoy it when i'm playing with legos!

I'm going to end this entry with a song. This song is beautiful. I have at least 50 songs that rip my heart apart, but i dont want to overload my diary using each of them as a separate entry. Once i figure out how to make a link called "Songs/Poetry"-they're all going up there! Anyway- here it is:

"Fragrance of Pink"

Too small to come in

Exploding with sunshock and moonfire

It's too much to choke down

I'm crashed by the nature of freedom

I'm too cracked to thrice mend

and I'm seating my need for redemption

While guilt beads on my skin

I'm broke from my fallen condition

So come catch me in love again and again

I'll spin light around your name forternal again

I'm confessing my needs

Whispering beautiful sweets

In a fragrance of pink

(In stark orange and green)

(It's my own fragrance of pink)

Move towards my dark side

Because I'm threatened by mystery and matches

But I'll pick up the cup

And swollow my past full of ashes

Glory I'm undone

I'm stretched out on the water of wisdom

fill me up until i drown

From sucking the nectar of being found

From sucking the nectar of being found

By: Sarah Masen