I ended up cutting myself last night. It wasn't a big deal and it didn't even hurt that much. Just on my arm... I can tell anyone that asks that a cat scratched me.

I'm so weak...my mother left the house for an hour and i binged and purged. Big surprise, ha! Imagine that... I feel like such a worthless failure. Nothing i do is right, but i guess i've been living like this for a long time now...but i'm still not used to it. Failure hits me hard, and it hurts my spirit. It's so damaging.

I hate letting other people down.

Do i just wnat attention?

I dont know what i want anymore.

I grasp for anything and everything thats even remotely available to me.

Is what i'm writing true...or am i just trying to convince myself of it's validity? I wish i knew which conclusion to come to. I wish i could make up my mind about things... I dont understand anything...... I lie to msyelf so much and i can't distinguish lies from the truth anymore. I wnat someone to fix my life for me, but i refuse to hand over my life and my struggles to someone besdies myself. WHY? I dont know!!!! I hate the fact that i dont know! I dont know why anything...i dont know exactly why i hate myself so much.... No matter how hard i try to think about it...i just end up in tears and i get nothing decided on. WHY do i hate myself so much? Why dont i love my body, WHY do i hate my parents, WHY WHY WHY.

I'm watching the clouds moving outside my window. It's truely beautiful. They float around in the blue sky, confident of their existance and worth. They are convinced of their stunning beauty, so they flaunt it.

I used to flaunt my body. That is, when i HAD a body to flaunt. Now i'm stuck with less than a body...er...MORE than a body.

I want to be a cloud...i want to be a butterfly...heck, i'd even settle for being a piece of lumber if it means would love what i am. I desperately want to love myself, but i dont see anything to love. People can compliment me all they want...but if i, myself, dont see what they see... their compliments are worthless. They may, acutally, push me deeper into my self-hatred. Twisted, twisted.

I want to kill myself.

I hate the fact that my mother makes me eat!!!!! I hate waking up for another worthless meal of fruit and vegetables that give me zero energy. I ate a can of tuna today-it was virtually tasteless.

I think today is a bad day.

I wish i could cry.

I wish i could think clearly.