All i want to do it cut myself.

I dont even know why.

I dont know where this pain is coming from...i was doing so good for so long....then i purged the other night, last night actually. It's horrible, i dont know whats going on. Or maybe i do know whats 'going on'. Is anything relaly going on? Am i just a boring piece of chicken fat with skin melted on??? I wish i didn't smell so bad right now, and i wished my teeth were clean. Myabe i could think easier if they were.

I'm resisting God...i'm resisting freedom from my pain, and it terrifies me to paralization to realize that if Jesus came back right at this second, i would spend eternity in hell. Or would i? I'm so confused at where i'm at....which 'side' i'm living on. I wish i dind't have to choose...i wish i dind't have to live on either side.

I can't open up to anyone, although i long to. I can't open up to any adults becuase they will get me 'help'-although i know that thats teh thing i really really need. I'm so scared...scared of living another day...scared of the possible future i have. I'm just terrified of everything! I dont know whats real anymore, or even if anything IS real. I need to go somewhere where i can think...but when i get somewhere where i can think i'm too scared to think, so i just sit there and stare at my ceiling. I haven't been praying, and it's been growing on me. Now i feel too far away from God to pray... I can feel the sin thats between us. I desperately want to live, but i dont even know what life is, much less how to obtain it. I wish there was someone i could talk to about this in person... someone who cared and who loved me regardless of anything i say or do. Someone who is able to look past all of my facades and see my heart...someone who can see and love who i really am inside; the person i dont even know. WHO AM I? This question haunts me. My life is so screwed up righ tnow...where do i go? where do i turn? I dont even know how to get out of bed anymore much less make life-changing decisions. I need advice from someone... I want to kill myself, but i dont have the balls. I dont deserve death anyway, death would mean an end to my pain, but i deserve to feel this pain...this depression and intense self-hatred. Why do i hate myself so much? Thats another haunting questino that keeps me up at night. I think of reasons...but none of them are valid enough for me to HATE myself...for me to CUT myself and enjoy watching my skin bleed...

I'm not of any value to anyone. I dont trust people anymore, whats wrong with me? I used to be the most open and real person i know..now i'm encased in wrapping paper thats deifnately not a joy to open. all the pain thats trapped inside me is combusting...it's churning...and it's on fire. Its' burning through my heart, through my ability to think and feel rationally.

i wish i could cry. Maybe things would be better if i could. But maybe not.

I jsut want to die.

Please, God, let me die. Let this disease be the end of me.

Is that what i really want though?

Do i really want to end up in death???

I wnat to beat this disease...but i dont know HOW...how to start, how to begin, how to fight, how to win. (Yeah, Dr. Suess is my uncle, how'd you guess?!)