I just yelled at my mother. This might happen once a day, i dont know. IT's so frustrating. She thinks i know nothing about the world...thats probably becusae i've never talked to her about anything. She is so scared to talk about her past...anything that shes gone through.. I realyl wish she would, it's so incredibly annoying for me, to have a mother that i dont talk to on a deep or spiritual level. I dont know the woman at all. I'd like to get to know her, but whenever i try, it seems like she thinks i'm mocking her so she rebukes me.

I dont know what i really want. I think i want to know my mother, but otehr times i dont think i want to know her. Knowing her...the REAL her...would require me taking a giant leap of faith and conquering my fear of her. The fear that i will hurt her feelings. Sometimes i love hurting her. I usually kick myself afterwards though. But...sometimes it just feels SO GOOD to just hurt someone besides myself. It feels good to abuse her, to know i'm right about something and then shove it in her face.

(I'm assuming the following sentence) She thinks i'm subhuman, she thinks i'm a monster. She doesn't even make eye contact with me. She thinks i dont have a conscience and thats why i shoplift. She thinks thats why i LIKE shoplifting.

I hate her.

It's funny though. As much as i try to drown out my feelings with my loud music... no matter how loud i crank up the music, my feelings and thoughts still push their way through. I try and ignore my feelings by having fun and by laughing until i can't move... But my pain still lingers.

I dont know whats truth and whats a lie. The moment I think i know whats going on inside me, an opposing emotion rears its ugly head. Or is its head beautiful? See what i mean? I dont understand whats real and whats fake... I wish i knew how to distinguish fact from fiction, truth from lies... My head is just so cluttered with so many different things... I want to escape, but i have no way out. I'll live through it, i'll dig through my pain and search and search for a beginning. Maybe after finding a beginning can i get to know the real person i am inside.

Perhaps i will fall in love with myself.

I've always been told that anger is merely a coverup for so many other emotions. There is always an underlying emotion, sometimes many, that we are trying to hide when we express anger. I beleive it. Usually, when i get angry, im' hurting inside...or i'm scared... The reason i get angry is because it's so natural for me...it's a natural cover-up emotion...kind of like my cop-out emotion. I lie to myself when i feel hurt...i tell myself to, intead of feeling hurt, feel angry. At least i know HOW to be angry. I dont really know how to be hurt...except sit in a corner and cry. Hm.

My strength is failing me. I dont know where it came from to start with. I have such terrible urges for carbohydrates.... I wonder if carbs are what i relaly want, or if i want something different. What is my heart's stinkin' desire anyway?! I wish i knew. Anyway, back to food. I just want to eat carbs... I'm so sick of everythign else, sick of fruit and water and freezing my tongue by sucking on ice all day long. I'm sick of fat free yogurt and sick of tasteless celery. This puts me in a bind though...i mean, what else can i eat? Its' either food i hate (fruit etc.) or food that will make me fatter (carbs). I'm stuck... THis is a lose-lose situation for me. I absolutely cannot eat carbs... So i'll have to settle for food i can't stand. Perhaps this is good though--- That i'm 'settling' for disgusting food...food that my taste buds have been overworked from. Maybe this means that i wont eat as much.

I thought i was doing well at fighting this eating disorder...but now i realized that i'm not. I'm terrified of carbohydrates. My life is run by fear. Fear of my body, fear of my parents, fear of hurting my mother, fear of making her cry, fear of carbohydrates, fear of scales, fear of mirrors, fear of denim, fear of getting fat ankles, fear of hurting my kidneys from drinking too much water. Fear of heartattacks, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of losing all of my friends, fear of failure, fear of not being perfect, fear of hating myself forever, fear of never emerging out of this eating disorder. I'm just a child inside, i wish someone would realize that. I wish they would realized that i can't help myself...that i'm not strong enough to conquer this disease and that i need HELP.

I am nothing at all.

Where is my identity?

I know i am not my mother.