Should i b/p today? Thats the question i thought about the moment before i went to sleep last night...and the question i dreamed about...and the question i woke up to. Both my parents are out of town right now, so i have the whole house to myself and i can do anything i want. It's probably a good thing my mother is so food-conscious and has absolutely ZERO items of junk food around the house... Besides popcorn... Oh my, i forgot about the popcorn until now.... What a binge fest that would be! Microwave popcorn bag after microwave popcorn bag... Hot, steamy, buttery popcorn... I think i'll just write about it so i dont have to abuse my body and actually EAT it. I could always eat the popcorn and keep it down. But, I haven't eaten (and digested) a carbohydrate in the past week, and i'm not about to start now.

I want to get better. I desperately want to experience life... I know that life is out there, but i dont know where or how to find it. But every time i binge and purge or restrict or exercise until i can't move a muscle, i'm simply running away from the life that i could be living. A life FREE of my eating disorder... a life beautiful and free of pain.

What brought this new realization on, you ask?

I was reading the most incredible book last night, called 'Holy Hunger' by this one woman (i dont remember her name, Margaret something). She had been a compulsive overeater for twelve years, but finally she realized that she wanted to face her pain, no matter how terrifying it might be, and live again. Thats exactly what i want to do. I want to LIVE again...and i dont want to waste any more freaking time on bulimia! I just have to keep reminding myself of that... Of how badly i watn to live again... But living again is so terrifying. I'm scared...im' so scared of everything. There has to be joy somewhere...TRUE joy, thats not faked of masked by anything. I want that joy. I want it desperately.

I want to be beautiful.

Maybe i already am.

I remember once, looking in the mirror and being horrified at what i saw. What i saw was a stunningly gorgeous woman who was dangerously thin. (This was like, 2 years ago when i actually WAS 'thin'.) I saw myself as beautiful. But that lasted a minute. When i looked away from the mirror and back again, i had morphed into something hideous, something that didn't even deserve to live. My emancipated body was disgusting, but i desperately cried for 45 minutes becuase of what i viewed as 'too fat'. I'm sick of wasting my energy counting calories, i'm sick of spending my existance thinking of where i can purge or how much food i can steal from wheverever. I'm DONE with it.

OF course, who knows how i'll feel tomorrow?

But that doesnt matter right now. TODAY i am DONE with bulimia.

I just ran downstairs to take my meds. Im' in the most insane mood today! I smiled at the door, i smiled at my dog, i smiled at the descending stairs-FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL! I held my breasts while running down the stairs (they're HUGE cantelope-like-things; i've been bra-less for the past 4 days, it feels incredible! The freedom!) and laughed when i reached the bottom. When i got to my room, i took my pill, stared at my shiny forehead in the mirror, and laughed. LAUGHED. I haven't laughed (a real laugh) in a few days. (It's sad, that i realize that... I used to laugh constantly...all the time...like, 300 times a day, in all seriousness!) Then i made some gurgling noises at my reflection, squealed and jumped around my room a few times (holding my breasts, of course), laughed some more, and ran back upstairs.

Is this the beginning of life? True life...not merely a worthless existance?

I have an incredible longing to solve all the world's problems. I have so many hurting friends, i wnat to make them realize that THEY ARE WORTH SOMETHING SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY EXIST! I beleive that every person, no matter how outgoing or how shy and withdrawn... They all have something they can offer the world. If not the world as a whole, they each have something different they can offer each other. I sincerely beleive that. But..how can i convince someone else of their worth, when i'm completely unsure of my own? I'm caught in a delimma. How to show love to the world when i dont even love myself?

Anyway, someday i'm going to be rid of this ED and i'm going to be FREE! Free to help other people escape the bondage of their minds, free to love myself and others.