Sometimes i just want to cry.

Sometimes when i dont want to cry i end up crying.

All my friends are giving up on me. This is so hard...they think it's only hard for them...to have to listen to me complain about my depression and all my self-hatred constantly, but it's hard for me also. They dont know how desperately i wish i could just escape from my pain... How much i wish i didnt have to deal with this anymore. I wish people would try hard to understand, and if they didn't understand, they would still stand by me anyway, instead of just walking away and leave me hanging like a poor, helpless rodent along the side of the road. I'm bloody, but it doesn't matter, becuase i've been bloody for the past three years. Heck, i'll probably still be bloody in seven. Why try and help poor ol' Beth, laying there alone in the cold...

But then again, maybe the only person who can help me is myself.

I can't let other people get me down. No one beleives in me anymore... My therapist doens't beleive i want to get better, now Sheila tells me i dont want to get better. Instead of bringing me down, i should use that to spur me on and to make me try even harder at killing this demon.

But what does it matter...how hard i try...if i actually beleive that i will never be free? Does positive talk really work? Or am i just uselessly penetrating my brain with worthless words that will never have any effect on the way i see things?

I have so many questions, but no answers.

I want to get to know myself. How do i start?