Fuck, fuck, fuck. What a wonderful word.

I wonder why i hate my parents so much. Is it becuase they've never loved me the way i wanted them to? They shower me with worthless compliments and with their undesired presence. Sometimes i play along with their 'Brady-Bunch' like game... I pretend to be happy, pretend to be content with the way things are, but inside i'm reeling to escape. I wonder if my parents are happy living in the 50's. I honestly think they dont know that anything else exists.

This hatred is consuming me. Who needs peanut butter when i can just feed off of this rabid hatred. I can almost FEEL my heart getting harder!

I b/ped today. The first time in three days. It was wonderful. It felt wonderful to block the world out, to pretend like i was watching TV while i stuffed my face full of more and more and more carbohydrates with a sip of water between each bite. I swolled without chewing. It felt AWESOME to hork up my food and to watch it swim around in the toilet. Its' funny though. Well, funny in a horrid way. It's funny becuase every time i purge, i imagine my emotions splashing into the water along with everything i had consumed. Purging numbs me.

I dont care about anything anymore...i wish i cared about me.

I wonder what it would feel like to love myself.

I wonder where God is. I wonder why He doens't answer when i call, when i scream out for Him, i feel nothing, just more of the overwhelming emptiness. God, help me.

My pain shakes me, does anyone notice? Does anyone see through the lie that i portray... the lie that my life is perfect and that nothing could ever be wrong? Every day I pull on the facade of happiness, perfection, and spiritual peace. Does anyone care enough to glimpse the spark of pain deep in my eyes?

I'm dying, does God care?