I'm terrified of living, terrified of seeing myself in the mirror for another fucking time, terrified of breathing. I dont deserve to breathe, i dont deserve to be loved. I wish i had hope... I wish i knew what hope was. I remember having hope. What a fantastic feeling! Now it's gone. I wish i knew where it went. I wish i knew where I went, where BETH went. When did my personality disappear? When did my emotions disappear? I wish i could disappear.
Last night was hell. I yelled at my dad as i was preparing to go to bed. He said 'I love you' and i almost cussed him out for loving me. I dont deserve his love, hell, i dont even WANT his love. I dont undersatnd how anyone can love someone so ugly, fat, disgusting, and worthless as i am. Anyway, i ran downstairs and i didn't know what to do. I was restless for something to satisfy my desires. Something, anything. I hate the emptiness i feel...day in and day out. I long to be satisfied. I used to be satisfied with food and puking my guts out, but now, living at home, my mother watches me like a freaking hawk and i dont have the luxury. So i cut myself. I carved a beautiful 'FAT' into my upper thigh. It hurt alot, but the pain was nothing compared to the releif i felt. It felt GREAT to feel pain...although i dont deserve it. Watching the blood drip from where i'd pressed the safety pin into my flesh just seconds before made me smile. This really isn't right...i shoudln't take pleasure from hurting myself. But i do. It's one of the only things that makes me even close to happy anymore.
